I got a bit bogged down with this one. Some of it I am happy with, some I messed up so much (again) that it took me ages to try and sort it out.
OK... I have to admit I got a big chuckle when the other crew member met his demise.
One of your best. I stopped noticing the format and just enjoyed the story.
Nice! Got to love the red shirts, poor poor red shirts. The ending got me laughing pretty good, was unexpected as to how it happened. It's kind of crazy all the restrictions they have on the Star Trek fan films and videos. I looked it up once and it is crazy that they even go into depth on what types of props you are allowed to use.
Thanks all. Good to hear people are getting a chuckle from it *and* which bits. Helps me understand what works.
@flyingbanana78The CBS/Paramount ' Guidelines : I understand why they created them, There are MASSIVE crowd-sourced budgeted productions funded by Trekkies. I don't think the target is me, in my spare room with a webcam and action figures. If I *did* get a cease and desist order I'd probably frame it and put in on the wall.
There is some flexibility in the guidelines (CBS did an interview where they explain)Also there is some allowance for parodies generally... which I don't want to rely on too much.
The guidelines state you can not depict scenes with alcohol.The party scene in The Admiral's Daughter was going to be a cocktail party but I changed it to a tea party which works for me. I am planning a video showing the Officer's Xmas party which I need to think about when it comes to alcohol.
So, I stick as much as I can within those guidelines and, if I stray off the path, I make sure it is minor, necessary, inoffensive.... and done with affection.
Oh - my god. I LOVED this! I've shared it round the office - 3:37 made me laugh my head off.
The best yet! Excellent!
Thanks again all. I am glad people are highlighting the 'demise'. When writing it I thought the Foot Spa would be a better visual joke. I probably could have spent more time on the actual image but what else could I have done to make it funnier?
More dialogue around the brochure (hard to read the back the first time, paused and went back) would have helped with that more. A conversation we join after it's started, so "...and I've nearly got enough points for this little beauty. My feet are killing me." over the foot spa image, then the follow on comment makes more sense. Maybe even bleed the very start of that dialogue over the end of the George shot, so we know they're connected.Slow zoom into the back of the brochure there so we can read it better and we all go "Aha! That's why they're all going... ". (Fix that finger masking?)The "foot spa here I come" at the end didn't make sense after the previous "set aside the date for the party" comment to George. Was that supposed to imply that there would be more beaming to get to it = more points = foot spa? A final puzzled George saying "Foot Spa????" rather than "Yes!" afterwards might have highlighted the 'call back' more. As it was: Kirk said something "random" (as far as George knows, as he wasn't there for the previous conversation about points) and he ignored it completely.Still one of your best though.
Excellent feedback. It is sometimes difficult to see how it comes across to another person when you wrote it because, basically, you have already explained it to yourself. It's a bit like dialog that somebody says is hard to hear.... I could hear it perfectly because I already know what they said
The original script had Kirk say "... and this trip gives me enough points for the deluxe foot spa". I thought it might be too obvious and tried to think more "show don't tell" but maybe I went too far.You are absolutely right about a slow zoom to the back of the brochure. That would have achieved a lot.
Maybe this is this the difference between scriptwriting and screenwriting?
You are right about the hand masking. Not sure what went wrong. I'll have to double-check I used constant keyframes.
Very much appreciated.
Ah, I see. Yes, the original script where he explained he'd have earned enough for the foot spa on that trip would have matched up with the final "...here I come" at the end. Setup > Payoff. As there is now no obvious setup: the payoff is orphaned and we (well, I...) go "Eh?".Zoom or cut to brochure close up. Either would have explained why he was waving it about more and let us, the audience, feel clever as we joined the dots and "got the joke" about "...a good reason."As for George: at the end you could do a combo. First, he goes "Yes!" (his main priority has been achieved) then he looks into the camera and goes "Foot Spa??" as his brain catches up with his ears.
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